oceankin

Last night was weird. Don't know how much of it was something that'll stick, but just. Feeling very disconnected from memories now. Like they're getting more and more deep and hidden, like access to those memories and access to daily life are mutually exclusive.

Hidden lore, DLC backstory, pay-to-know.

Walled off from my own past.

I've been idling on the thought that I'm not the person who existed in 2011, not just in the "I've changed" sense but very much in the "I am fundamentally and foundationally a different person, in no way did I exist seven years ago, I am a New Thing that is picking up the pieces of someone else's trauma and fear, hopes and aspirations".

I guess at this point? I've bought into it. I was invented sometime around 2011-2012. I didn't exist before then, and the me that is me only has internal continuity that far back. I have some connection to her (who we were before, I guess?) memories, her family, her life... and maybe she's gone, maybe she's dormant.

New decade, new me. Gives the next few years a tinge of existential dread, but I'm gonna disregard, I think. No sense fearing that particular unknown.

Anxiety at sharing is overriding the impulse to journal, to try and make this site a Thing to Do, so I'm going to cut it off here.

Stay hopeful.